What About Now
by amillionreasons
Summary: Set post Red John. Jane and Lisbon discuss their past, present and future.


**Disclaimer: Heller owns my soul. I don't own anything.**

_**What About Now**_

It was self defense. That's what Jane said, what Lisbon said and what eventually, the judges said. There would be no consequeces whatsoever for any of them. At least no legal consequences.  
The truth is, she could've had let the monster live. It hadn't been an act of self defense, it had been an act of revenge and rage and hate. But that was something only she and Jane knew.  
Looking back, she didn't exactly know she'd done it. Because deep inside her, she'd always wanted him dead just as much as Jane? Because she wanted Jane to be free? Because she didn't want Jane to do it, so he wouldn't have to deal with the consequences? She couldn't tell. She only knew that she didn't regret it. At first she'd been scared that Jane wouldn't forgive her for taking his revenge from him, but it turned out that the only thing that mattered to him was that he was dead.

„It doesn't matter how, Lisbon. He's dead and that's all I care about.", he'd told her. She was glad, even though she felt like she'd betrayed him in a way. She could only hope that he didn't feel the same. 

Jane spent the first few days after Red Johns death holed up in his dusty attic. He sure had a lot of thinking to do and wanted to be on his own, but more than once Lisbon felt tempted to just walk up there to make sure that he was okay. Even thought ‚okay' was quite a relative word in this case. How okay could he be, really? How could he move on from something that had defined his life for ten long years? Lisbon had no idea what all this meant for Jane. All she could do was wait.

Now that he was dead and Lisbon had some time to think, she took a moment to look back on the past ten years. How many people had died, how many people had been hurt because of the serial killer. She could safely say that Red John had changed her. Not just as a cop, but as a person. For almost a decade, she'd dedicated pretty much her entire life to this case, more for someone elses sake than her own. Because more than Red John himself, it was the man who'd come into her life because of the serial killer, that had changed her so much.  
Jane had shaken her entire world. He'd made her question everything, made her believe and do things she never would have before and had shown her what it was like to love someone so much that it physically hurt. He'd made her a better agent and more imprtantly, a better person.  
A million times Lisbon had pictured what it would be like, a time after Red John. She had dared to dream that there was a future for her and Jane together and there were times where she thought he had the same plans. Of course, as usual, reality was a lot less beautiful than her dreams.

After almost three days of radio silence she figured she should check on him, just to make sure that he was at least somewhat alright.  
So she knocked on the heavy metal door and waited for Janes reaction, half expecting him to tell her to leave him alone. But after a few seconds the door slid open and Janes face appeared. His blonde curls were a mess, his vest wrinkled and he looked like he hasn't shaved for days. But apart from that, he looked quite okay, she thought. His smile even seemed genuine.  
„Hey Lisbon", he said and his voice sounded a little bit hoarse, probably because he hadn't been talking at all the past few days.  
„Hey", she replied „Can I come in?"  
He pushed the door open even further and stepped aside to let her in. Lisbon looked around and for the first time in what seemed like forever, there was no bulletin board with crazy theories, pictures of suspects and confusing notes. The room looked empty to her, like something was missing.

„You will get used to it eventually." Jane said, as he saw her confused look.  
„No" she smiled „I'm glad it's gone."  
„Me, too." he answered and looked at her. Obviously he was waiting for her to say something, explain why she'd come up here.  
„It's getting kind of boring down there, and I also just wanted to check if you were still alive."  
„I thought you would come here sooner or later. Thought I have to admit, I thought you couldn't stand to wait any longer than two days."  
„Well, I thought you needed some time alone…And if you need some more time then that's fine, I just wanted to see if you were okay."  
He smiled at her and seemed genuinely touched. „I am okay."  
She raised an eyebrow. „Patrick Jane, are you lying to me again?"  
„No, I mean it" he said and looked at her again. „I am okay. More than I thought I could be."

He crossed the room to stand by the window and watch the sun melt into Sacramentos skyline. She joined him, shoulders touching.  
„Does it feel any different?" she asked and tried to feel what he was feeling at the moment.  
„It feels like a little bit of freedom after years of imprisonment." He answered and a small smile appeared on his face.  
„Well, that's something, I guess? Something good?"  
„Yes. Even though it doesn't feel as… big, as I thought it would."  
She touched his arm lightly. „You should give yourself some time. Just…wait." It was a poor comfort, but she couldn't think of anything else to say.  
He turned to face her and suddenly he looked almost desperate.  
„I have been waiting ten years for this, Lisbon. Ten years, for this to be over. I had…plans, you know."  
Lisbon swallowed hard. The implication of his words was clear. „I know" she whispered.  
He sighed heavily. „I thought this" he gestured awkwardly between them „would be different."  
She didn't dare to say something. She just looked at him and tried to find out what exactly he was feeling. What was he trying to tell her?

He turned away from her and put a hand in his hair. „What..What am I gonna do now, Lisbon?", he asked, almost begging her for an answer. She was afraid she couldn't offer one that would make him feel less miserable.  
„I don't know, Jane." She sighed „What really were you expecting? That the world would suddenly seem less cruel? That you could just start a new life, completely leaving the old one behind? It doesn't work like that, Jane."  
„ I know, I know, I know!" he exclaimed. „I hate that I can't do any of the things I wanted to."

They had never really talked about this before. Whenever Lisbon had tried to bring up the topic, Jane had always found a way to avoid discussing it any further. The fact that he was talking about it so casually now made her nervous. She had no idea where all of this would lead to.  
„What did you want to do?" she asked, knowing that this probably wasn't the best thing to do, but she couldn't help herself.  
He looked at her with a sad smile on his face. „Well" he began and inhaled deeply before continuing. „I wanted to say I'm alright and actually mean it, I wanted to be a better partner, I wanted to have a life again, but more than anything, I wanted to make you happy." He turned away again, looking almost ashamed of himself. „And I hate that I can't." he breathed, so quietly, she almost couldn't hear it.

„And why exactly do you think you're not making me happy?" she replied, without really thinking about what she was doing.  
His laugh sounded bitter and it chased a shiver down her spine. „Oh please, Lisbon. You don't have to do this."  
She was getting angry now, even though she knew she had no right to. Why, why was he always being like this?  
„Do what?!", she asked, knowing very well what he was talking about, but she wanted to hear it anyway.  
„Try to make me feel better. It's what you always do and I love that about you, but at the same time I wish you would stop it. You don't have to lie to me so that-"  
She had to interrupt him, he was being ridiculous.  
„I'm not lying when I say that you're making me happy, Jane! Because you do, more than anyone else." She felt the tears coming and she hastily tried to blink them away. „God, you're just so frustrating. Why can't you just accept that I care about you, instead of pushing me away all the time?"  
He looked angry now. „Why is this so important to you?!", he asked.  
„Because pushing me away is all you over do." she shouted. She knew she wasn't being fair, but she didn't really care anymore. „You push me away, and then you let me in again, just enough so you know I won't walk away."  
His anger disappeared and was replaced by something else, but she couldn't quite say what it was.  
„You're right" he whispered. „You're right, except for one thing" they were looking at each other now, looking for answers. „I never really gave you a reason to stay. And no reason to stay is actually a good reason to go. I never understood why you didn't just walk away. Because nothing I ever did or said was a good reason for you to stay."

He was right, she realized. He'd lied to her, hurt her, broken her trust so many times. And yet here she was. And suddenly, she knew why.  
„Give me a reason, then.", she breathed. „For once, give me a reason to stay." 

There was only one thing he could do. With two quick steps he crossed the little distance between them, took her face in his hands and kissed her. He put everything in the kiss, everything he'd held back for so, so long. And it felt so, so right. Why had he waited? As she deepened the kiss, he was sure this was the best thing he'd done in a very long time. Nothing in the past ten years had felt as right, as real, as good as her hands in his hair and her breath on his skin. He pulled her even closer, making sure there wasn't even an inch of air between their bodies.  
He couldn't think straight, could only think about how wonderful her raw lips felt, pressed against his own.

They had to catch their breath, eventually. He pulled away just enough to frame her beautiful face in his hands, taking in the freckles on her cheeks he loved so very much. There was only one thing he could say, only one thing that would be good enough to make her stay. „I love you."  
She smiled. „Are you gonna take that back again or will you actually give me a chance to say it back this time?" He kissed her again, answering her question. She pulled away again after a few moments and looked at him with a serious expression. „As much as I'm enjoying…this" She blushed a little bit and Jane once again thought she looked absolutely adorable. She took his hand in hers as she continued. „We do have a lot of talking to do." She said, her voice firm.  
Of course he knew that they had to talk and he also knew that this was not gonna be easy. But after waiting for so many years, he was willing to fight for it.  
He nodded and gave her hand a light squeeze. „Okay." He whispered, his voice husky.

He put his arms around her waist and pulled her close once again. She rested her head against his chest and for the very first time in ten long years, everything was alright.


End file.
